Saturday, 2 June 2018

#2 CONFITALK: Old Soul

I am 21 years old.

When you are a teenager, in your early twenties or basically in any age.. you wanna be perfect,you have the urgent feeling to fit in, to be loved, to be ,,normal'' and if it's not like that you are asking yourself: ,,What am I doing wrong? " , ,,Why don't they like me?'' , ,,What's wrong with me?"
I have been there and sometimes still am, but I have been quite blessed recently, because I had the chance to have couple of conversations with several adults that have more life experiences than I do and it helped me to understand, to accept, to cherish  and slowly starting to love.
My boyfriend? No. Because I don't have one.
My family? No.
My best friend? No.

It is all about you. Trust me. The questions you have about people not liking you, the doubts you have about not being good enough, yes. It's you and you again.
Most of the time we are our worst enemies and what we think is what we become. What we think is what we attract.
If you have doubts about yourself and you put yourself down all the time then believe me or not, but you will not attract anything good into your life, but the oposite -  for example negative people or situations. And most importantly you will slowly kill your potential and believe me, there is so much potential in you! You will destroy your soul and everything good in you.

I am not a buddhist, I am not sure about reincarnation, but I believe in human soul.
My soul is old and it took me 21 years to find out.
I am the only child and I grew up surrounded by adults and from what I can remember I have never been able to get on well with the majority of people who were the same age and I felt terrible about myself.
My father once told me that as soon as there are more than two people in the room I have a problem to communicate with them, to have a conversation. I was furious,hurt and so sad. But now I know that he said that to teach me something and to actually think about it and think about myself in general.

I do look at things differentely than people who are similar to my age. I don't see any point in clubbing and drinking alcohol. It feels like a waste of time and only short escape from the reality. It feels like people are terriefied of facing their problems and themselves.
I prefer reading, spending a quality time with the kids that I look after, cooking, singing and dancing like crazy to different songs, going to the gym. And also - and that took me so long to accept and actually truly enjoy! - being on my own and going for a walk listening to the birds,enjoying the touch of the sun on my skin, inhaling the fresh air and being grateful for the little things,being fully present in the moment.
I used to think that I am wasting my life being on my own, that my life is boring that I am boring and that everyone is having perfect life, hundreds of friends and that my life is great only if I do things with people, no matter if I like them or not and that the most important thing is to post a photo with bunch of people on Instagram - #somuchfun #bestdayever .. But no.. that's the power of social media. That's not the reality. The reality is - oh my GOD I feel so anxious and I don't have anything in common with these people, I wish I could just run away!

Surround yourself with people who are making you laugh so badly that you are crying and your abs are killing you, with people who are waking up the best in you and most importantly LOVE YOURSELF and cherish the time that you have for yourself. Look after yourself,be kind to yourself.
Because if not, how can you love someone else and how can someone else love you, if you don't love yourself?

And believe that everything happens for a reason and you are exactly where you are meant to be.

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